NFL Fines Justin Tuck for Hit

by: Mike Parker

Justin Tuck, who wins this year's "Least Favorite Opposing Player" award in Seattle, was fined this week for a nasty hit on Cowboys' QB Brooks Bollinger.

Interesting how the league ignored Tuck's questionable hit on Hasselbeck in Week 5, but god forbid he go after a Dallas Cowboy! The Super Bowl favorite Cowboys! You know, the indestructible, infallible, the-season-hasn't-even-begun-yet-and-ESPN-already-thinks-we've-got-a-first-round-bye Cowboys!

The NFL can't have any of that! No! No sir! In fact, they're going to ruthlessly punish anyone who stands in the way of that! Darn you, Justin Tuck! Roger "I like to play god but I'm deathly afraid of punishing felons who play in my league" Goodell won't have any of this! So yeah, we're fining you for potentially damaging the NFL's ratings by coming dangerously close to forcing Brad Johnson to finish out the game, leading the end-of-game score to be 35-14 (oh, wait a minute) and resulting in no less than 12 riots in the parking lot and a temper tantrum/crying spell from T.O. that would make Courtney Love look sane.

And never mind those silly Seahawks and that bald-headed quarterback of theirs, right NFL? What's his name . . . Matt Hasselhoff? Don't they play in Anchorage? I don't know, doesn't it rain all the time up there? Who cares, right? Right. And we'll ignore them because it's the single-most depressing year in that city's sports history, so they're a lost cause anyway. Hell, no one will even notice, even if their quarterback misses half the season and 35 players are already on injured reserve and their division sucks and the fans go insane and jump off the Aurora bridge together like they're drinking the Kool-Aid in a huge mansion somewhere in Texas! (But definitely not Dallas.)

This, my friends, is no less than the 23rd time during the 2008 NFL season that something has made me want to run into traffic. -END-